TaxMamas TaxQuips: Money Funnies

NO NURSING HOME FOR ME!

Eva Rosenberg — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 06:53:00 -0700

About two years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner.

At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I noticed that all the staff, ship officers, waiters, busboys, etc. all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told she owned the line. Instead, he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back.

As we left the dining room one evening, I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, “I understand you’ve been on this ship for the last four cruises.” She replied, “Yes, that’s true.” I stated, “I don’t understand.” She replied without a pause, “It’s cheaper than a nursing home.”

So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess cruise ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 a day. Checking for reservations at Princess or other cruise lines, I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week.)

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste, razors, soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 3 to 14 days.

7. TV broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day and you don’t even have to ask for them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip, you are on Medicare. If you fall and break a hip on the cruise ship, they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

10. Who knows, if I am widowed at the time, there may even be an opportunity for a new romance – or several.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia or name where you want to go?

Any number of cruise lines will have a ship ready to go. So don’t look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.

P. S. And don’t forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge.

Courtesy of Doug Thorburn, EA in Northridge, CA
In honor of and memory of Floyd B. Greenman, EA – the man who used to send us so much humor.
He never lived in a nursing home either!
(Floyd, we already miss you!)

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The Sheer Genius of Politicians

Eva Rosenberg — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 08:19:00 -0700

In a bid to stem taxpayer losses for bad loans guaranteed by federal housing agencies Fanny Mae and Freddy Mac, Senator Bob Corker (R-Tenn) proposed that borrowers be required to make a 5% down payment in order to qualify.

His proposal was rejected 57-42 on a party-line vote because, as one Senator explained, “passage of such a requirement would restrict home ownership to only those who can afford it.”

I can’t add anything to this.

Courtesy of Blakely Sanford, EA in San Diego, CA

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Oh Groan!

Eva Rosenberg — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 05:26:00 -0700

The ability to make and understand puns is considered to be the highest level of language development.
Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

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2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, “Dam!”
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies “Yes, I’m positive.”
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?”, they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
7. A woman delivers a set of identical twins and decides to give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” the friars to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, dude, this is so bad, it’s good..) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Courtesy of Blakely Sanford, EA in San Diego, CA

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Two Choices

Eva Rosenberg — Fri, 06 Aug 2010 07:32:00 -0700

What would you do? Would you make the choice.

Don’t look for a punch line, there isn’t one. Read it anyway.

My question is: Would you have made the same choice?
At a fundraising dinner for Chush , a school that serves children with learning disabilities, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question:

‘When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does, is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shaya, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?’

The audience was stilled by the query.

The father continued. ‘I believe that when a child like Shaya, who was mentally and physically disabled comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child.’

Then he told the following story:

Shaya and I had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shaya asked, ‘Do you think they’ll let me play?’ I knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but as a father, I also understood that if my son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.

I approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shaya could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, ‘We’re losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we’ll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning..’

Shaya struggled over to the team’s bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt.. I watched with a small tear in my eye and warmth in my heart. The boys saw my joy at my son being accepted.

In the bottom of the eighth inning, shaya’s team scored a few runs but was still behind by three.

In the top of the ninth inning, shaya put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as I waved to him from the stands.

In the bottom of the ninth inning, shaya’s team scored again.

Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shaya was scheduled to be next at bat.

At this juncture, do they let Shaya bat and give away their chance to win the game?

Surprisingly, Shaya was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shaya didn’t even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.

However, as Shaya stepped up to the Plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shaya’s life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shaya could at least make contact.

The first pitch came and Shaya swung clumsily and missed.

The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shaya. As the pitch came in, Shaya swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.

The game would now be over.

The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shaya would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.

Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman’s head, out of reach of all team mates.

Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, ‘Shaya, run to first!

Run to first!’

Never in his life had Shaya ever run that far, but he made it to first base.

He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.

Everyone yelled, ‘Run to second, run to second!’

Catching his breath, Shaya awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base.

By the time Shaya rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball. The smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team.

He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher’s intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman’s head.

Shaya ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.

All were screaming, ‘Shaya, Shaya, Shaya, all the Way Shaya’

Shaya reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, ‘Run to third!

Shaya, run to third!’

As Shaya rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, ‘Shaya, run home! Run home!’

Shaya ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team.

‘That day’, said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, ‘the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world’.

Shaya didn’t make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making me so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!

For more inspiring stories like this, please read Rabbi Pesach Krohn’s book, Echoes of the Maggid .

Courtesy of Thomas Forsyth in Florida
Prosperity Accounting & Consulting, Inc.
http://www.linkedin.com/in/tomforsythpacinc

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The Young Rule!

Eva Rosenberg — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 07:20:00 -0700

(Or the Generation Gap)

Bob, A self-confident college student was walking along the beach one day, when met an elderly gentleman, Mr. Franklin. They started talking. Young Bob explained to Mr. Franklin why it must be impossible for the older generation to understand or even identify with Bob’s generation.

As Bob explained, his voice grew loud enough for others around him to hear him clearly. People started to gather round and listen.

Bob said, “You grew up in a different world, a very simple world. Our generation has always had television, jet planes, space travel, moon walks, nuclear and solar energy, computers with unlimited capabilty, cell phones and connectivity wherever we go.”

Mr. Franklin listened and waited respectfully until Bob finished his litancy. After a moment of silent contemplation of the enormity of Bob’s message, Mr. Franklin, agreed. “You’re right Bob. We didn’t have any of those things when we were young. So we invented them and created them for you.”

“Now Bob, what are you doing for the next generation?”

The applause of the gathered crowd was deafening!

Courtesy of Floyd Greenman, EA in Chatsworth, CA

Please remember to send us your humor.
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The Italian Wedding Test

Eva Rosenberg — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 05:36:00 -0700

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for
over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little
thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts,
and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near
me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate.
Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her ‘little’ sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me
that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She
told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my
life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.

She said, ‘I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild
fling, just come up and get me.’

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I
stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the
front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Uh oh! There they were! My entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my soon-to-be father-in-law hugged me and said,
‘We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask
for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.’

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car

Courtesy of my cousin Ziva in Israel

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